What Could've Been

Today marks the day that I was suppose to have a baby. Crazy to think about yet hard to forget. I found out I was pregnant in October and we were overjoyed! I learned that my due date was June 2...my nephews birthday, another reason it is so hard to forget! However, I had another miscarriage and lost the baby at 7 weeks. I don't know why that one was so hard on me but it crushed me. Maybe it was because I wanted it SO bad, not that I didn't want it the other times but this time I was SO ready for a baby to hold in my arms and when I lost it my heart broke. I still get teary eyed thinking about it. All I have ever wanted in life was to be a mother and I am so thankful God gave me Ryker, he is my EVERYTHING, I just thought I would be a mother to many children. I have decided that I just need to put it in God's Hands...a lot easier said then done but I am trying! When I look back on my young adult life I had this timeline of when I would have kids and how many and I guess I just thought it would happen like I had pictured but life is tossing me in a different direction. I know many people struggle with having babies and I am thankful that I at least got one...I just pray and hope God gives us more! It is especially heart breaking because Ryker is asking everyday when he can have a brother or sister and it is a hard question to answer...one that I don't have an answer for myself! It really is true that the moment a mom finds out she is pregnant her heart is in it COMPLETELY and she is already in love with the little life growing inside her that she has never even met.